


Come Live With Me and Be My Douche

by Vertolina



Series: Even The Devil Needs A Friend [5]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Because I just love bros, Board Games, Bromance, Don't mind the title, Family Feels, Gen, I'm not sure how to tag this, Ice Cream, Just an attempt though, Not Beta Read, One Shot, Slice of Life, Sorry!, This is the name of the game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 18:09:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10702350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vertolina/pseuds/Vertolina
Summary: Lucifer spends the day with Dan and Trixie





	Come Live With Me and Be My Douche

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Navaros](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Navaros/gifts).



> Navaros, thank you for giving me the idea for this story! Most probably this is not what you expected but I hope you'll still like it! And if you don't, keep in mind that I had good intentions! :D
> 
>  
> 
> This is a one shot and stands on its own but still if you want to know how Dan met Sarah, you can read the previous story 'A Douche Walks Into a Bar'.
> 
>  
> 
> As you might have guessed, the title is from the poem 'The Passionate Shepherd to His Love' By Christopher Marlowe, only in my messed up douchey version. Ugh, this is completely inappropriate and doesn't even fit that well to the story, but I like it and you will take it only from my cold dead body.
> 
> All comments are welcome!  
> And, of course, excuse the mistakes you will find!

A pesky ray of sunshine sneaked through the window and pulled Dan from the blissfulness of his dream. He turned to his side, eyes still shut, and let out a soft groan as the physical activities from the previous night reminded him of themselves through the pleasant pain spreading throughout his body. It had been almost two weeks since he’d met Sarah at Lux and he still couldn’t believe his luck. She was beautiful and funny, and absolutely insane in bed, but most importantly, for some inexplicable reason, she seemed to genuinely like him. He wrapped an arm around the warm body laying next to him… and immediately jumped back.

“LUCIFER!”

“Good morning, Daniel!” The club owner was comfortably stretched on top of the covers (thankfully, fully dressed) and was looking at his friend with a smug grin glued to his face.

“What the hell, man?!” Dan honestly wished he was as shocked by Lucifer’s presence in his bed as he was making it out to be. The truth was there were very few things the club owner could do at that point that would genuinely surprise him. “Where’s Sarah?”

“Oh, your lovely lady friend is currently taking a shower. I decided to keep you company while she’s away. It’s a horrible thing to wake up in a cold bed.”

“Does she know… Did she…”

“She didn’t see me coming in if that’s the question you’re so desperately trying to form.”

“Oh, thank God!”

“Why do you think He has something to do with this? If you want to thank someone, it should be me!”

“For what? _Cautiously_ breaking into my house?” Dan rolled his eyes and sighed. Of course, Lucifer would want credit for being thoughtful enough not to scare off his lover while sneaking into his bed. “What are you doing here anyway?”

“Well, you’ve been neglecting me, Dan. I missed you.”

“What are you talking about? We see each other every day.” Suddenly the detective realized they were both still laying in the bed and tried to get up and put some clothes on without revealing too much skin in the process.

“Yes, but that’s at work, Daniel. You don’t hang out with me anymore,” Lucifer pouted and finally stood up. “I mean, I get that you’ve been busy and, if those claw marks on your back are any indication, you’ve had quite a good time, but that’s still no reason to forget about your friends. Me in particular.”

“Ok, man, sorry! I’ll make it up to you. How about I drop by at Lux tonight and we can have a few drinks, huh? But right now you have to go. Sarah will be out of the bathroom any moment now.” The water had stopped running and Dan wasn’t too eager to try and explain Lucifer’s presence to his new flame.

“Or I can stay and make breakfast. I was thinking about spending the day with you.”

“What? Don’t you have some new case to solve with Chloe?”

“Ah, yeah, you should probably check your phone.”

His ex-wife had sent him a text at half past four in the morning, informing him that her mother had had an accident on set and she was leaving for New York to be with her. There were also a few instructions to pick Trixie from school and help her with a geology project she had for homework and a reassurance that there was no reason for him to worry. Despite that last bit, he couldn’t help the sudden wave of trepidation. As eccentric and sometimes even peculiar Penelope could be, she had been a lovable mother in law to him.

“What? Is Penelope ok?”

“Broken wrist and wounded ego. She’ll be fine. But the Detective wanted to go see her anyway. Can you imagine she left me behind?! Said something about not being able to deal with both me and her mum and took off,” Lucifer pouted again and demonstratively crossed his arms like a child before a temper tantrum. However, just a moment later he was again in his usual gleeful mood. “The good thing is that now I can assist you on _your_ cases. And you’re about to be late for work, by the way.”

“No, I'm not. It’s my day off.”

“Oh,” the smile slowly faded from the Devil’s face and he shifted from one foot to the other, looking rather disappointed. “And you want to spend it with your lady friend?”

“Actually,” the bathroom door cracked open and a gorgeous woman, wrapped in a towel, stood in the doorway, “his lady friend has to go to work, so the answer to that would be ‘no’.” Sarah smiled at the two men and shook her head at the distress written on their faces. “I’ve been waiting for the two of you to finish that conversation for about five minutes now. I got cold. And I believe I heard something about breakfast?”

“Coming right up!” Lucifer waltzed out of the room with a wide grin on his face. “Oh, and by the way, love the artwork you’ve done on his back, Sarah! I must admit I didn’t take you for a scratcher. Respect!” With one last wink at the pair he disappeared from their sight, leaving them adorably abashed and blushing.

________

 

“I still don’t understand!” Lucifer let out a deep sigh and gave Dan a grumpy look. The two men were in the detective’s car on their way to pick his spawn from school and the Devil was doing everything in his power to show his friend that he hadn’t enjoyed the day so far and had very little faith that things would get better. Sarah had only grabbed a single toast before basically teleporting herself out of the apartment, claiming she was about to be dreadfully late for work. She had, however, taken the time to give Dan a long kiss goodbye, which had saved Lucifer from the eventual prosecutions for scaring her off. But dodging that bullet had been the only positive thing about the past several hours. Dan’s idea of a breakfast had been a suspicious and most probably poisonous concoction with a raw egg in it and he had completely ignored Lucifer’s omelet. During the rest of the morning the detective had been cleaning and tidying his home for his daughter’s arrival and the Devil had been forced to entertain himself with whatever he could find on TV. And now, as they were finally outside of Dan’s apartment, his friend had told him that he would not hire a baby-sitter and they were indeed going to spend the rest of the day with the child. “It wouldn’t have been a problem to leave her with a sitter for a few hours if you had to go to work.”

“But I don’t have to go to work. And, in case you haven’t realized that by now, I actually love spending time with Trixie very much.”

“And you will still have a whole life to spend by her side. What are a few hours going to change?”

A humorless laughter shook the detective’s chest and he looked at Lucifer with a grim expression on his face. “Yeah, you know how many times I’ve said that to myself before? _‘What are a few more hours at work if I manage to put some scumbag behind bars?’ ‘So what if I miss my daughter’s school play if the promotion I might get would secure her a better future?’ ‘What’s another missed dinner with my family? There would be many more to come.’_ See where that way of thinking got me?” Dan let out a weak sigh and shook his head, “Not anymore! If you don’t like it, you can always find something better to do. Go have fun with Maze or Amenadiel.”

“Maze is hunting some human stain and Amenadiel has been annoying me lately.”

“Well, you’ll always have Lux.”

“Yeah, but…” Lucifer sank deeper in his seat and fixed his eyes on the road. He couldn’t quite put into words the way he’d been feeling recently. He still loved his nightclub and enjoyed playing the piano there but the crowd of strangers no longer amused him. The only times he’d had fun were the ones he’d shared with the people he cared about. And as painfully boring as the rest of the day was threatening to be, the Devil would rather spend it with Dan and his offspring than feel all alone while surrounded by people. “It’s still the middle of the day. I have nothing to do there,” he finally managed to put together.

“Well, I know you don’t believe it, but you can still have fun without booze and loud music. And besides, there’s no way in Hell you can convince me Chloe haven’t given you a taste of the simple domestic life. If you could survive it once, you can survive it again.” Dan chuckled and bumped his friend’s shoulder, “So maybe give it a try?”

Lucifer bit back a smile and nodded.

“Good. We’re here,” the detective stopped the car in front of the school building and noted the other man’s anxious expression. “Come on, you know Trixie doesn’t bite.”

“No, but one of the other urchins might.”

“And here I thought you claimed to be invincible. The mighty Devil is afraid of a few human children. Now _this_ is something they should have put in the Bible. You know, for comic relief.”

“You know, Daniel, to this day I wonder how come the terrible sense of humor never made it to the list of deadly sins.”

“Daddy! Lucifer!” Trixie’s voice rose above the noise coming from the dozens of laughing, chatting and shouting children and the little girl ran toward her two most favorite men. She wrapped her arms around her father’s waist before giving Lucifer an exuberant high five (much to the Devil’s relief; he still wasn’t sure whether the child won’t resume her initial greeting method, but for now she seemed inclined to spare him that particular torture). “Daddy, can we go for ice cream? Please! I had a really tough test today.”

Dan chuckled, knowing far too well that he could not refuse his daughter anything while she was looking at him with those big hopeful eyes of hers.

“Well, if the test was really that hard, I suppose an ice cream is mandatory.”

“It was in math. Math!” Trixie shook her head with a mournful expression, fitting for someone forced to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.

“Okay, ice cream it is, then!”

__________

 

“You’re bloody cheating!”

“How can I possibly cheat at drawing cards, man?”

“I don’t know, but you’re doing it!”

Trixie was rolling on the floor, trying to catch her breath while Lucifer was watching in dismay as Dan bumped yet another one of his pawns back to the Start. They were playing ‘Sorry!’ and the Devil was losing disgracefully a third game in a row.

“It’s not fair! I’ve never played this foolish game before!”

“You said you didn’t want to use the right of a relaxation start. And besides, this is _literally_ child’s play! A couple of hours ago you were complaining that it was ‘beneath you’ to be involved in something so ‘juvenile’.”

“It is! And it’s boring! And I don’t want to play anymore!”

“Oh, come on, man! Even you can’t be _that_ immature!”

“ _You_ dare accuse _me_ of immaturity! Need I remind you of the happy dance you did after you won the first game? Even the child showed more dignity!”

“It wasn’t a dance! I simply--”

“Liar, liar, douchey pants on fire, Daniel!”

“Oh, boo hoo, Lucifer! You’re just upset that I’m kicking your butt.”

“I’ll show you kicking when I--”

“Hey!” Trixie stood between her dad and Lucifer and gave them a look that resembled way too much her mom’s trademark unamused expression. “Stop with the fighting or there will be no dessert for either of you! Dad, don’t tease Lucifer! And Lucifer, you can’t quit now! Only losers do that! Besides, in ‘Sorry!’ the lead can change at any moment so just draw a card and see whether your luck has returned or not.”

The men shifted guiltily in their seats but couldn’t hide the little smiles creeping on both of their faces. Lucifer drew a card from the desk and gave a victorious cry, “HA! Take that, Daniel!” He waved the ‘Sorry’ card in the man’s face, took his own pawn from the Start and viciously bumped one of Dan’s.

 

About forty-five minutes later the game was over (Lucifer had won and had done the same stupid dance he’d made fun of Dan for earlier), the cheesecake (courtesy of the Devil himself) was ancient history and it was time for Trixie to go to bed. Lucifer half-expected Dan to go read her a bedtime story the way Chloe did, but instead he witnessed the father and daughter perform some sort of mixture between a barbaric dance and waltz, accompanied by incoherent cries, which lasted a full five minutes.

“What on earth was that?” he asked when the detective crashed on the couch in front of the television.

“We were summoning the monsters.”

“What?”

“You know how some kids are afraid of monsters under their beds? Well, when Trixie was very small she was upset because all of her friends had monsters and she didn’t. So we came up with a dance to summon them. She doesn’t believe in all that stuff anymore but we kept the dance. It’s our ritual.”

Lucifer chuckled and asked himself whether that piece of information was actually something to be surprised of. The little minx had proven more than once that she wasn’t an ordinary child. Perhaps that was the reason she was feeling so comfortable in the company of the Devil and the most fearsome demon of Hell. She’d been summoning them for years, after all.

His train of thought was interrupted by a soft snore coming from his friend. Dan had dropped off on the couch and Lucifer rolled his eyes at the sight. It was barely half past nine! For a moment he contemplated whether waking him up would be a good idea and figured it would be safer to let him sleep. The man could be insufferable when he was grumpy. Lucifer knew he should probably leave and go home but he wasn’t feeling inclined to do so. Here, at that small apartment, with the sleeping man and his child, he was at peace, happy. It wasn’t the type of happiness he felt when he was with Chloe. With her everything was new and powerful. It was consuming his soul and every fiber of his body, leaving him contented and restless at the same time. And what he was feeling now was oddly familiar, like a déjà vu of a long-forgotten dream. It was warm and soft like a caress from angel feathers. And it reminded him of a boy playing with his siblings in a bright hall; it reminded him of laughter and joy… and it caused him pain.

“Hey, Dan. Daniel!” he placed a hand on the man’s shoulder and shook him lightly.

“Huh?”

“You fell asleep. Go to bed. I’m gonna leave now.”

“You sure?”

“Yes. Go get some rest. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Alright,” the man yawned and slowly got on his feet. “It was a fun day, yeah?”

“Yeah, it was,” Lucifer smiled as his friend yawned again and headed toward the bedroom. “Good night, Daniel!”

“Night, bro!”

 

That evening the Devil went home early and looked at the skies for hours, reminiscing of a distant past and faces he hadn’t seen in eons. And he thought that maybe there was some truth in Edna Buchanan’s words; maybe friends indeed were the family we chose for ourselves. And he smiled, because he knew that someone had chosen him.


End file.
